Is it Feedback or Gaslighting? How to Tell the Difference

We’re often told that feedback is essential for growth. But what happens when what’s being called “feedback” feels confusing, undermining, or even manipulative?
Gaslighting—a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you question your reality—is sometimes disguised as feedback. When that happens, it can erode confidence, damage workplace trust, and leave you second-guessing everything you do.
So, how do you tell the difference between constructive feedback and subtle manipulation?
Let’s begin with an all-too-familiar story.
Sophie had just presented her team’s quarterly results. She was proud—her numbers were strong, her slides were clear, and the team had exceeded their KPIs. After the meeting, her manager pulled her aside.
“We need to talk about your tone,” he said.
“My tone?” she asked, confused.
“Yes, it came across as arrogant. You need to be more self-aware. People noticed.”
No examples. No specifics. No one else had said anything to her. Sophie was left feeling ashamed, confused, and unsure whether she'd imagined the positive reactions in the room.
Was this feedback—or something more manipulative?

Gaslighting vs. Feedback: What’s the Difference?

Constructive feedback is meant to help you improve. It’s specific, actionable, and delivered with respect.

Gaslighting, on the other hand, creates doubt. It’s vague, undermining, and often leaves you questioning your perception or worth.

Here are three ways to tell the difference—and what to do when you're unsure:

1. Check for Specificity

Ask yourself: Is the comment clear and actionable?

• Feedback sounds like: “In the meeting, when you said ‘we crushed the competition,’ it came across as dismissive. Maybe rephrasing it next time could help match the tone of the audience.”
• Gaslighting sounds like: “You were arrogant. Everyone noticed.”

What to do: If it’s vague, ask for clarity. Try: “Can you give me an example of when that happened?” This often separates genuine concern from manipulation.

2. Gauge the Intention and Delivery

Ask yourself: Does this feel like it’s meant to support or control me?

• Feedback is offered with respect and usually in private, not to shame.
• Gaslighting may include blame, exaggeration (“everyone thinks this”), or happen publicly to discredit.

What to do: Reflect on how it made you feel. Feedback might sting, but it should still feel fair—not destabilising. If it feels like a power move, trust that instinct.

3. Track the Pattern Over Time

Ask yourself: Is this a one-off or part of a recurring theme?

• Feedback addresses behaviours and supports growth.
• Gaslighting often includes repeated invalidation, rewriting of events, or inconsistent standards.

What to do: Keep a journal or notes. Patterns help clarify whether you're experiencing isolated feedback—or ongoing manipulation.

Final Thoughts: Clarity is Respect

When feedback is real, it feels like a gift—even if it’s uncomfortable. It helps us stretch, learn, and thrive. Gaslighting, though, is a tool of control that slowly erodes our ability to trust ourselves.
If you’re unsure, ask questions. Clarify. Document. And when necessary, speak up or seek support.
Because every professional deserves feedback that builds them up—not tactics that tear them down.
Remember:
Real feedback challenges behaviour. Gaslighting challenges your reality.
Craig Ball